Thanks to evolution, mammalian brains are jealous af.
Anytime anyone infringes on our “territory” (land, family, lover, money, etc.), human brains are super horny to jump into flight/fight/freeze mode.
Unless managed, this usually leads to the downfall of relationships.
Best Solution?
Bring “compassionate communication” to the jealousy fest.
I’m well aware compassion can be a difficult thing to muster when everyone is in a blender of emotion. And, if you’re like me, it’s often the last thing you want to do when triggered.
BUT – if you CAN muster yourself to be the bigger person, and use “compassionate communication” principles below, you can teleport to a much better multiverse. Maybe even one better than the one before [insert triggering event here].
Do this stuff:
- Share your relationship values.
- Stay cute and listen like a wise owl from a kids book.
- Show your vulnerability (it’s scary, but it will make people want to listen to your perspective more)
- Remember to stay grounded in your values, otherwise, it’s all for nothing.
The science shows that the combination of a relaxed vibe, gentle eye contact, a half-smile, slow speech, and a warm tone of voice builds trust and increases comprehension in the listener’s brain.
On the flip-side, even the slightest verbal or nonverbal expression of anger, irritability, or frustration can cause all hell to break loose – releasing a cascade of stress neurochemicals in both the speaker’s and listener’s brain.
Expressing negative emotions interrupts frontal lobe processes in charge of social awareness, collaboration, and executive decision-making.
The Recipe for Compassionate Dialoge
Here’s the recipe for compassionate dialogue based on the practices outlined in Words Can Change Your Brain.
There’s 6 steps to do before you chat and 6 to do during.
During this dialogue, each person pauses, relaxes, and listens attentively after speaking, observing the speaker’s tone and facial expressions.
- Chill Out
- Stay in the Now
- Clear Your Head
- Think Happy
- Get in Touch with What Really Matters
- Remember a Fond Memory
- Watch for Cues
- Give Props
- Talk Slow
- Be Nice
- Keep Your Speech Brief
- Listen Closely
Preparation
1. Chill Out
Stretch, yawn, and take big breaths for 30 secs to calm your body down.
2. Stay in the Now
Tune in to what’s going on right now, feeling all the sensations in your hot bod, and don’t let your mind wander.
3. Clear Your Head
Take a few minutes to silence all those distracting thoughts and emotions.
4. Think Happy
Picture a happy outcome and don’t let any negativity creep in.
5. Get in Touch with What Really Matters
Ask yourself “What’s my top personal value?”, “What’s my top relationship value?”, and “What’s my top communication value for this convo?” If you can, share ’em with the person you’re talking to.
6. Remember a Fond Memory
Think about someone you love or a moment that gave you joy. Imagine how it brings a small smile to your face and relaxes the muscles around your eyes and forehead. Keep that feeling going throughout the convo, and come back to it if you start feeling frustrated, anxious, or irritable.
Durning the Dialogue
7. Watch for Cues
Keep an eye out for all the unspoken cues – facial expression, voice, hand gestures, etc.
8. Give Props
Start off on a high note by complimenting or showing appreciation.
9. Talk Slow
Speak at about 100 words per minute, instead of your usual 150 words/minute.
10. Be Nice
Studies show that speaking warmly doubles healing rates in healthcare situations. It makes a big difference.
11. Keep Your Speech Brief
Talk for 20 seconds or less, then relax and stay present.
12. Listen Closely
Observe the speaker’s facial expression, voice, and body language, like a detective. Listen non-judgmentally and without interrupting. And, keep any negativity to yourself, especially if the speaker is getting under your skin.
When Dealing With Difficult Problems and Emotional Issues
1) Schedule a powwow to talk through the problem with kindness and warmth.
2) If either person starts to feel the heat, call a timeout – whether it’s 5 minutes or 2 days.
3) When things get intense, take turns communicating with a short and sweet sentence – 10 seconds max! Trust me, it will solve conflicts faster.
4) Don’t larp as a mind-reader. Ask for clarification. Research shows that nearly every concept and word we utter means something different to each of us.
5) Keep tabs on your “Positivity Ratio.” Fredrickson’s, Losada’s, and Gottman’s research found that if you maintain 5-7 positive expressions for each negative comment, feeling, or thought a person has, you’llhave better relationships and productivity.
6) Learn to read micro-expressions: check out Paul Ekman’s book Emotions Revealed.
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